I waffle back and forth between loving my life and wishing I was anywhere but. 2009 hasn't been the BEST year of my life - lost my job that I loved, selling Forest became a little desperate there towards the end, and who isn't a little miserable and ridiculously emotional when pregnant. Financial struggles got the best of us, we are most definitely hanging on but the stress of it all is sometimes too much. Being at home (before baby) was boring and listless. And try as I might I couldn't find the energy to do anything (still blaming that on the pregnancy...:)) But then the most beautiful little boy was born. And I should be happy - thrilled - over the moon that I GET to stay home with him, even if that is more forced upon me than chosen - I should rejoice in that. And I do...some days. I had my fair share of very dark black hole days and while I have climbed out of the hole for the most part - they still pop up every once in awhile. I hate being home all the time, I hate not meeting with clients and making things beautiful, I hate that my schedule is not my own and that a simple task of cleaning the living room always seems impossible never mind getting all the laundry done, I hate that I have to limit how often we go out to eat with friends because we don't have $10 to spare most weeks, I hate saying no.
And then, yesterday a woman was on Oprah who writes a blog that I have been following for months. (thank you insomnia blog reading) Her story is touching to say the least. You really must go read the whole thing - atleast from a year ago. Start here: http://nieniedialogues.blogspot.com/2008_08_01_archive.html At the time what really touched me was how she spoke about her husband. The most sincere adoring love I have ever read. She has a way with words that make you want to be a better wife - talk the way she talks - have sentences like that pour out. So I remembered to DVR the episode so I could fast forward straight to her moment and it made me cry. She died, twice, survived 80% burns all over her body. Her face is not like it was and her whole skin has to be painfully stretched every morning. Her four children didn't recognize her. On Oprah, she said that she can't hold her children. SHE CAN'T HOLD HER CHILDREN. I was whining earlier because William wouldn't stop crying unless I held him. You must read her blog. Must. It took me 3 hours to read all her posts after the accident, but it is SO worth it.
So I am grateful. Grateful I can hold my son, grateful that he can only fall asleep if he is being held, grateful that it is me that feeds him in the morning, grateful that I can easily open a bag of grapes, grateful that even on my worst face days I still look like I see myself in my mind and memories, grateful that I am home to take care of my family and can do it with ease, grateful that when William is done with bathtime I get to wrap him up in a hoodie towel and make him warm. I can't imagine what it must feel like to not be able to scoop up your children but still be grateful to be there and present. That was my reality check. To not only be present for my family but to be grateful for my life and the way I GET to live it. Without Sam, and all his shoes strewn about the house, my life would have very little meaning, no laughter, no love, no boring nights snuggling under his arm. (not to mislead - her husband survived the crash as well and saved her.) And through all the crying and incredible fussiness I would not want to do anything but be there for William and his smiles really do make it all worth it. I never understood that when other moms would say it - but it is so true. That little chunk of a boy is my joy.
I am grateful.