Thursday, September 10, 2009

I am officially in a black hole.

And it is no longer a shallow hole.

I am seriously unhappy - but for no good reason. I love my husband, love my kid, but I am so tired of my life. Same thing everyday. Wake up to a screaming hungry baby, hope he goes back to sleep after I feed him so that I can take a shower if I'm motivated, get out of shower to screaming baby, throw on comfy clothes (definitely nothing that would be deemed "fashionable), feed baby and count minutes until Sam comes home for lunch so I get 30 minutes off, then repeat until Sam gets home in the evening. I then bury myself in random blogs/internet or reruns of Law & Order and wait for bedtime.

I used to get dressed in real clothes every day and wear real shoes with a 4" heel. I not only blowdryed my hair - but used a round brush and probably velcro rollers most days. And I definitely wore makeup. I went to work, talked to actual people about actual things - none of which related to nipples or poop, and I came home and was happy to see my husband.

Now all we do is fight. Mostly because I'm too tired/exhausted/sick of it all. And it's horrible - because he wants ME back and I don't know where SHE went. I just sent him to walk the park with William without me. Well, not so much sent as said he could do it by himself with a snarky attitude.

I hope no one is alarmed and please no comments of "go see a psychologist" - I have no money for that - which is another huge stressor in my life - but no reason to get into that now. (and secondly - I talked to way too many psychologists when I was a kid - they never help)

Maybe it's just a bad day. And I miss running with music blaring.

Guess I'm hoping writing it down and getting it out of my head helps. We'll see. Sorry you were subjected to my rants.

On a happy note - I made a mobile today for over the changing table - I'll post pictures when I get a hook so it can be hung. It's really cute.



Brandi said...

You don't have to see a psychologist, but if you talk to your OBGYN they can put you on some meds. if you need them. It may be postpartum hormonal stuff and you may just need something temporarily. It takes our bodies and hormones a while to get back to some state of normal. I've had all those same feelings at one time or another, but it does get easier eventually. I won't say that everyday is perfect, there are still days when I want to curl up in the bed all day by myself, but everyone has those days I think. Anyway, take care and I hope it gets better for you.

Jill said...

I hope getting it all out helps. If not please go to your OB and talk to them. I felt the same way after Richard was born. He was 10 months old before I got help.
Meds aren't for everyone, but it might help.

I hope you are feeling better soon. This is the part of motherhood that no one talks about.

Abby said...

I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling that way. I'll keep you in my prayers.

The first couple months or so are just so overwhelming. I remember thinking "really? 18 years of this? Because there is no WAY I can handle that." People would tell me that in a couple months it would get better, but I NEVER believed them. Then all of a sudden, things kinda fell into place. Just keep the hope alive - there IS a light, even if it's hard to see now. Good for you, too, for being able to admit your feelings.

A book that helped me was Babyproofing Your Marriage. It's just an anecdotal account of other peoples' experiences as new parents and the challenges that it brings into a marriage. Nothing scientific, which makes it so great. I read it at the one-month mark, and there were many moments of "Yeah!! Me too!! I'm so glad I'm not the only one!" It's at the very least entertaining and provides some good laughs.

Hang in there!!

Meghan said...

Y'all are very sweet. Thankyou.

Kristin Brannan Wilson said...

I just wanted to make a comment - take what you want from it - but here it goes. I have 2 boys (a 3 year old and an 11 month old) - I have recently become a stay at home mom after working full time ever since I was 16. IT IS TOUGH!!! There are other words i could use to describe it but probably not really appropriate. I miss having a grown up to talk to and I get very little sympathy from my husband. We fight alot more now - money is an issue and sleep is an even bigger issue in my world (not his)! Anyway, ive been at home now for almost six months and I would say the last few weeks are getting much better. I think time is the key and talking it out. I was never comfortable to talk to the ob/gyn bc all they wanted was to get to the next appt and give me meds...i just talk with my husband...sometimes explode! But I think it is one tells you how to be a mom..and im certainly not the kind that oohh and ahhhs over every little hiccup or drool and such..but I love my kids..I know that without a doubt no matter how hard the days and nights are I know I am doing my best and that is all that can be asked of a person! I hope things get better and I think you will start to enjoy it more when William is displaying more of his personality!! Good luck!!

Tara said...

ok, I hope you don't mind me commenting here but I feel compelled to. What you are feeling is completely NORMAL. When I had out son (who is now 21 months old) my hubby was in Iraq until Ramsey was 6 months old. Those first 3 months were insanely hard. I cried A LOT! What had happened to my life? I mean I loved the little guy but I didn't have that thing that other mothers seemed to have. All I can say is IT DOES GET EASIER, IT DOES GET WAY BETTER but kuddos for you for keeping it real. I love honesty. I asked a new mom of a 2 months old last week how it was having her first baby and she said "it's wonderful" I thought, come on...lets get real here. Those first few months are hell. I promise it will get better as the William gets more fun. Just try as often as possible to get away for an hour or so here and there so you can get refreshed.

Meghan said...

Thank you for all the comments - you make me feel a little more normal. It's got to get better one day.

Though I still miss my heels and being skinny...oh well - someday. ;)

Angie said...

Okay - I've got a 6 week old too...and a 2 year old...

...I'm going to be honest with you, it's easier for me, I think, because I'm bf'ing (which is nature's way of regulating all of those crazy, raging hormones). I don't want to say I know what you're going through because I don't really, and so to say that would lessen what you're feeling/experiencing. I'm proud of you for being honest and talking about it but I'm worried about you too.

So, I haven't had any feelings of depression, but with an infant and a toddler I do feel overwhelmed and ummm...a bit neurotic lots of times? I take a deep breath and tell myself the present moment is all I ever have, there is never a time in my life that is not "this moment". You can always "cope" with the present moment. This is how I get through the tough days (that and vodka).

Also, I know William has colic, so he cries a lot, here's another bit of new-age advice: try to be transparent to the sound, let go of all of your inner-resistance and let the sound 'pass through you'(I've still got a bit of yoga teacher in me.)

And remember: All that arises, passes away.


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